Okay, okay before you tell me to count my blessings which I do all of the time, and tell me that there are others out there who are worse off- then ----- simply----- fuck off! Okay, seriously fuck off. Whenever someone says that, they are basically saying "quit whining you bitch, you are not having the worst luck in the world and your problems are not worth bitching about". And the best thing about these intellects who have made such conclusions have no clue as to what I have been going through over the past 8 years. That started with my horrific pregnancy I had with my youngest. If he/she can put his/her feet in my shoes even for a day, perhaps that would shut the moron up. Compassion is great, if you really have it. Pity sucks which I don't want. If you plan on giving me pity, then stuff it up your ass. Just because I am venting my frustrations does not mean I am always throwing myself a pity party, nor do I want your fucking pity. And even if I was having a pity party, I think sometimes we can be entitled right? Anyway I am veering myself to an off topic issue. So I'll return. Sorry about that.
About this "friend" who I had met. Lets go back. Sure- he was sincere, compassionate and very understanding. He even knew that I have had people back-stab me before, especially after knowing what my illness does to me and how it affects me---- and surprise, surprise- he said he would never do such a thing. He also did what he could to make me see the happy moments in my life during the times things to me seemed quite bleak. And, he did help occasionally because I did need reminders of the positive things in my life like how my wonderful family is always there for me. Even though he never understood what I was really going through health wise, emotion wise and spirit wise, he did what he could to be compassionate. I really thought, based on all of this he was actually a friend. I did what I could to help him while he went through his own personal issues. However, as time went on, he became more distant and I started seeing the signs of a hypocrite who promised and promised and promised to be such a friend- then just to show that in the end that all he wanted to do was get rid of me. I denied that this friend could have done this to me like some of the others in the past, who also seemed quite sincere initially. He kept making slips during our last few conversations about how down I was making him. I could not blame him really as I had reached out during my bleakest times, and even I was the one during my moments where I was not thinking straight (medication does that to you by the way) that maybe we should just not talk anymore if I had such a negative affect on him. However, maybe a part of me was thinking straight enough to test him too. I know that sounds manipulative, but since I have been so hurt in the past by "friends" who were there for me for a while. But in the end turned out to be backstabbing assholes- how could I not wonder? I've been hurt but I really did not want to believe that he would do this to me--- not another who was such a good friend to me at first, turning out like the others!!
To make a long story short, even though he stated that I should "talk" to him whenever I "needed" to- very, very insincerely I might add, he made it quite clear to me that he really did not want much to do with me. He only said that he would be "available" to "talk" just to cover his ass so I would not end up accusing him of being like my former good buddies who turned out to be lying ass backstabbing fuckwits- like him! Although, at first, when he said he would be available to chat, he said for only just once a week. After I questioned him on how he could tell me to talk to him no more than once a week (I knew he was blowing me off), he covered his ass and said that he would be around more if I needed to talk. I could sense it from him quite clearly that he did not at all want anything to do with me again. But I did not talk to him for a few days. When I did speak with him after that, he was as rude as could be, and really blew me off (but had to throw in there "I'll still be around if you want to chat" and it was so insincere) He showed no interest in pursuing a friendship with me anymore. I could even sense the relief he felt when I called it quits. I cannot tell you how much this "friend" had hurt me!!! He of all people, who seemed so sweet and caring just blew me off because he could not deal with me.
And thanks to him, while I am about to go through some life altering treatments again---- I am no longer able to trust anyone. Especially if they seem to be good to be true- because if they are too good to be true, then that means they are. I am keeping everyone at arm's length for now on. It is best that way. I need the support, and it is best to get support from those who truly understand how it is to have an incurable illness like myself. I did encounter a woman who was going through an illness- who at first seemed very helpful and sincere (the lightworker remember?) - but in the end turned out to be an egotistical "I'm better than you" kind of backstabbing bitch! I am so sorry to the ones who are truly sincere but my guard is up higher than it ever was all thanks to this creep!! Once again!! If I have not mastered my lesson before, I have now. Next time I run into someone who is overly compassionate that knows nothing about chronic illness- I am gonna run as far away as I can! Compassion is needed, don't get me wrong. But I am now leery of anyone who is overly compassionate to the point that they would basically die for you at first- and then turn out to be a lying ass hypocrite. I hope you are happy now jerk and you know who you are! Thanks so much for hurting me!!!! This I can promise you, I'll never forget. Thanks to you, I am now reminded once again how alone I truly am! Yes, I have my family a few odd friends who I am even leery of sad to say. But I am alone. There is nothing else to say but it hurts- which is an understatement. Nothing more to say.
